Ok so… I’m not exactly sure where to start with this post.. Except I guess with an actual introduction and then moving on from there... so...here goes..
My name is Absentia, I am 21 years old, soon to be 22. The fact that I feel very closely related, in spirit at least to something other that human is less than new to me at this point, and probably actually started at around the age of five or six, not saying that it just appeared or anything but that was about the time I really started I guess to develop myself on my own and observe my surroundings and really get a grasp of who I was/am.
I can pretty honestly say that the ‘acting out’ of my animal side started with Disney, which I’ve noticed talking to several people that seems pretty common scenario. My favorite Disney role-play was 101 Dalmatians, and everyday I would go out into my grandparents huge back yard, rain or shine and commence my running, barking, howling, skipping hopping, jumping and what not, sometimes along the lines of the actually plot, but usually my own. Yes, also, I fully understand that these are things that children do normally, being a mother to a three year old myself, but somehow I know that to me, these things were more real than just plain fiction, and deep down inside I felt that this was what I was maybe meant to be, and that it would stick with me for the rest of my life. I never role-played anything else, like The Lion King, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, etc… The only other thing I can remember having slight interest in was Beauty and the Beast, and mostly the Beast because somehow his strange, feral nature seemed to sit well with me and felt a little familiar. At this point I thought of myself as a dog.. or doglike… in spirit and personality… I also learned that its not a good thing to tell your mother that you think you’re a puppy in real life. x.X
Soon after… I’m not really sure how long after exactly… I got my first glimpse of a wolf, and it was breath taking… I was completely and utterly mesmerized and I just knew that this was an animal that I had something in common with. From then on I studied anything and everything I could get my hands on about them, and when I had gotten a little older and started really thinking and feeling a lot of what I do today, but yet still quite not understanding, I realized that I had a deep, primal connection to these animals, far above and beyond any connection I’d ever had to any person or animal that I’d seen or come in contact with during my life. Even my connection with my own dog, who was the light of my life and my best friend in the entire world, the one thing I felt completely and unconditionally in love with, even above my family, could not come close to this amazing feeling of kinship I had with these wild animals…these wolves.. and so my persona, fursona, animal side, or whichever you all tend to refer to in everyday terms was unveiled… at least partially.
It wasn’t until I was about 12 or 13 that I finally got the internet, or should I say, I finally got a personal computer which I could surf around on without fear of being ridiculed or questioned, since obviously I learned at a very young age to keep unorthodox thoughts and feelings to myself, my mother being an extremely strict, Christian, African American woman viewed most things of that nature to be, against god, paganistic, satanic… or sometimes even just plain stupid… After several months of searching, discovering, studying, etc, I found a forum that seemed to be more than just a bunch of nonsensical filler and fantasy, where people actually felt the same way as I did and speculated about things that I thought were only things I felt and thought about. It was an EZ Board run by the infamous Ebony Tigress called Eboness and its where I found many of my like-minded life time friends and confidants, most if not all of which I still speak to regularly to this day. There I learned more than I could have hoped to In one place, and as I said before I also found a support system, not only of ‘experienced’ animal persons, but also of those my own age, going through the same things, trying to find themselves and learn, just as I was. So from there, I started soul searching…
Basically, above everything I am a wolf. Plain and simple. But of course being on the internet, and being human and everything else that comes along with it I have a certain way that I portray her, unique to myself and the way that I express her outwardly. Her markings and colors have changed A LOT over the past years to the point where some of them I cant even begin to remember. I don’t have shifts.. I just Am… although there are some times when I feel her more strongly than others. The best way I’ve seen this described is in the explanation of Eclipse Shifting… where one side is a little more obvious than the other depending on the situation. But she is of course always here, no matter what… Another thing I seem to have is Phantom Appendages… where I feel as though I have physical animal like features, such as a tail… paw like hands…large pointed, high set ears, etc.
I’m not quite sure where else to go with this post… and I’ve written much more than I thought I ever could on such short notice/so quickly. But hopefully I’ve explained it in a manner that you can all understand, without the usual cliché’s and stereotypes.
Therian Writings and Musings
- My Introduction continued